Open Horizons
I was talking to a friend today and we were discussing how we have dreamt of having "babies" since we were literally still babies ourselves. We started playing with babies around two years of age and we observed our mommies with our baby brothers. We were sponges and we took it all in. I know for me, all i wanted to be when I grew up was "a Mommy" and that has never changed. Yes, I sometimes would say I wanted to be a school teacher and a mommy or a nurse and a mommy, but I never deviated from the mommy. My best friend, that met me in the 6th grade, used to get irritated with me because I was more interested in babies and hanging out in the nursery at church than talking to the boys in youth group. :) She thought I was really odd and couldn't understand why I was like that.
I know God places desires in our hearts and I believe when they are in our hearts from little up, then that is a sign they are God given. I know he made me to be a mommy, a nurturer of my children, a wife, and . . . yeah, just a mommy. I have babysat since I was very young and I used to pretend they were my kids while babysitting. When I got to high school, I chose my college career one way and one way only. I felt I had to go to college cause everyone thought a person should, but all I wanted to do was be a stay at home mommy. I literally checked out all the 2 year programs because they were the shortest programs in college and I wanted to go to school, work to pay off my debt and be a stay at home mommy. That was my ultimate goal. I saw Physical Therapist Assistant as a good out and off I went, still dreaming of the man I would marry that would allow me to have my dream. . . babies of my own.
I have a weird secret. I am a hoarder of many things, maybe a pack rat is a better term. Anyway, I used to, since middle school, go to the little toddler and baby clearance racks and stock up on outfits or baby items for when I had babies of my own. I know it is strange, but hey, most of the stuff I did use on my two babies when they were of age. :) It was like a seed of faith for me, that someday my lifetime dream would come true.
In college, Micah and I became close and two years later were married. Wow, he is my best friend and a great husband and I was so excited. If he would have said yes, we would have had a baby our first year of marriage. However, he was wise and we waited. Then, three years later, and after some ups and downs, we found out we were pregnant with our precious Ava. I was sooo excited. How could this be really coming true, after all these years of dreaming. It really did seem as though everything was a dream. I cried the first time they told me I was pregnant at my first appointment. I cried when they showed me her little heart beat. I cried the first time I HEARD her heart beat. I cried the first time I felt her move. I talked to her in my belly and sang to her. Morning sickness was a huge factor during my pregnancy and I was so sick, but it was soooo worth it.
Nine months and two days later, she arrived. She was so pretty and perfect in every way. She had a head of dark hair and though she started off crying and continued to cry for months, she was mine. I spent my days dressing her up and taking pictures of her in all her many outfits. I would play with her and sing to her and carry her lots. I was tired and sleep deprived beyond anything I had ever felt, but I was truly living my dream. It is sad that during that first year, when they are so needy, we are so tired and then it is over and you realize it will never go back. Long days but short years. :)
A year later, we welcomed the other biggest blessing of our lives into our home. Little Christian man. He was so tiny and fragile and so munchkin cute. He did what boys do to their mommy's hearts, he stole it. Plain and simple. He too didn't sleep and I was tired with two baby's under 14 months apart and both not sleeping well. I was pretty sure I was done with the baby stage for awhile because having them so close made it a lot at one time.
Again, the days were long but the years flew by. Around the time my babies were 4 years old and 3 years old, I was ready for another baby in my home. I also was informed that wasn't an option and I struggled off and on with this news. However, I was still enjoying my dream. Every time they would learn to walk, or get a tooth, or ask Jesus into their hearts, or pee in the potty, I would celebrate with them and cry because I was so excited that I was here living it. I remember the first time Ava went forward for a children's story at church and I cried. I know I am a sap, but 25 years of wishing and waiting and when it happens, I still had to pinch myself to make sure it was real.
I am so blessed my hubby worked to keep me home with my kiddos during these years. I will NEVER regret the time I got to spend with them. They are so wonderful and this brings me to where I am today. So, I have spent years dreaming of a great thing, being a mommy to my kids. Then I get to actually have kids and I love it. I love it so much that I don't want it to stop. I want a baby for me to hold all the time. I have always wondered if i would love my kids when they get to the older years, meaning after six years of age. Well, I have decided I will still love them and I will enjoy them, but I know now what will change. They won't allow me to tuck them into bed at night and crawl in beside them to snuggle and kiss their heads, and arms and hands and sing to them. They will grow too old for that and that simply breaks my heart. I know all mommys go through this, and I just need to get it out to help myself deal.
My question. . . .What do I do now that my dream I have spent years dreaming of, is nearing the end. I know I still have my babies and they will always be mine and I will always love them. That I do know. I also know my job isn't done and there is still lots of work to do, but again, my question is what do I focus on and yearn for now when my heart still yearns for little babies to cuddle. I still have a few years of them really needing me and I am glad for that, but I guess I am just starting to see that time flies faster than I expected and I hate to see it rushing away so fast. I wish I could stop time right in its place and freeze them just like they are. I know I will enjoy the future and all that entails, but I guess seeing Ava getting ready to go to school just has me all emotional. I mean, for the first time in her life, she will spend more of her waking hours in the mentorship of her teacher and not me. She will come home and talk about all she is learning and I will be hearing it second hand. Wow, and after years of being responsible for where she is and if she is safe, she is now going to spend at least 8 hours a day away from me and I have no idea where she is or what she is doing. Talk about culture shock and learning to let go!!!
Dont' get me wrong, I am very excited for the opportunities that lie ahead for Ava and Christian and I would never want to hold them back or keep them all to myself, but I just know I will miss these precious years. I know I will miss holding them on my lap and scooping them up to carry them somewhere. I know I will make the absolute best of this last year of preschool age I have with Christian and I am truly looking forward to that. I also know I will enjoy my children as they are growing and maturing and learning things. But, for me, I will NEVER forget these absolutely wonderful years God has blessed me with these two awesome children that have completely stolen Micah's and My hearts. I just hope that someday my heart will not hurt so badly as I watch them grow up and move on in life. I truly want success and everything good for them.
I consider myself a very blessed woman to be 30 years old and to have been given every dream in my life I have ever desired. I wanted to grow up, get married and have babies. I was granted that precious chance. Thanks be to GOD!!! I am so grateful for God's blessings.
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